The Self Hating Schmuck

THE SELF HATING SCHMUCK THAT STOLE HANUKAH

( A heartwarming tale about Bernie Madoff)

by Rich Kronfeld

Every Jew down in Jewville liked Hanukah a lot

But the schmuck who lived just east about 1800 miles of Jewville did not

The schmuck hated Hanukah the whole Hanukah season

No one quite knows the reason

It could be the dry cleaners he used gave him rough skin

It could be the brisket that he ate was from Rubashkin

But I think that the reason that would have been the most logical to fathom

Would have been that his heart was no bigger than an atom

But whatever the reason his heart or skin,

He stood there on every Hanukah hating his kin

Staring down from the 57th floor with a sour schmucky stare

At the warm, lighted windows below in the cold Minnesota air

For he knew that every Jew down in Jewville very very far

Was busy now hanging their glitter and Popsicle stick Jewish Stars

They’re hanging their Hanukah tschotkies he snarled and sneered

Tomorrow is Hanukah, its practically here

Then he growled with his schmuck fingers nervously drubbing

I must keep Hanukah from coming!

For tomorrow I know, all those Jew girls and boys will wake 1st Hanukah morning

And at the sight of a pair of socks find it very disappointing

The gentiles do it in one, but the Jews need eight nights over their presents to pout

Oh, The Jews have to drag everything out!

Every day their toys will get bigger and the then muchatonim will be coming

They’ll rush for their in-laws and then all the hugging oh the hugging hugging hugging

There’s one thing I hate – all the hugging hugging hugging

Then they’ll shrieks and squeaks and squabs

Racing around in their BMW’s, Audis and Saabs

They’ll dance with iPods tied on to their heads

They’ll yak on their iPhones lying on their new memory foam beds

They’ll watch their movies in surround sound and plasma

They’ll invite everyone to Morts and complain about their asthma

They’ll buy tickets online to Palm Springs and Aspen

They’ll get personalized black and gold colored napkins

They’ll order more Lucite, pastel leather couches and statuary

And they’ll remodel everything in soft Jewish contemporary

Then the Jews young and old will sit down to eat

And they’ll eat and they’ll eat and they’ll eat eat eat eat

They’ll eat Jew latkes and rare Jew corned beast

Corned beast is a feast I can’t stand in the least

(unless its sliced just perfectly thin)

And then they’ll do something I hate most of all

Every Jew down in Jewville the tall and the small

Will stand close together with Alan Sherman playing

They’ll stand hand in hand and those Jews will start praying

They’ll pray and they’ll pray and they’ll pray and they’ll pray pray pray

And the more the Self Hating Schmuck thought of this Jew Hanukah thing

The more the Schmuck thought I must stop this whole thing

Why for 70 years I’ve put up with it now

I must stop Hanukah from coming, but how

Then he got an idea, an awful idea

The Self Hating Schmuck got a wonderful, awful idea

I know just what to do, the Schmuck laughed as he dreamed

I’ll make a gigantic Ponzi scheme

With this suit and this office and the authorities all chumps

I’ll look just like old Donald Trump!

All I need is a friend to get me some names

The Schmuck looked around but since friends for schmucks are scarce

There were none to be found, but did that stop the Schmuck no

The Schmuck simply said

If I can’t find a friend, I’ll make some instead

So he took his wife Ruth and she took her Hadassah manual

And they hoped a plane to Lindberg International

Then he loaded some golf bags in a gleaming new Mercedes

And he whistled for Ruth (whistle)

Hurry up you old lady!

The limo started down to where the Jews gathered

Where they golfed, had bar mitzvah receptions and ate bagels with cream cheese they slathered

He met with the machers, the mavens and the Alta-Kachers

He impressed himself that he could talk big with all the big talkers

He told them I am a wizard I will make money appear

For after all, I am one of you, so have nothing to fear!

The Jews in Jewville put all their trust in his schmucky hands

Why they even begged to be under his command

Then, with empty golf bags over his shoulder

He slid into the bank accounts and homes of all the high rollers

He got stuck for a minute or 3

But he easily got past the SEC

Then he slithered and slunk with a smile most unpleasant

Around the whole town and he took every present

Ipods, Iphones, socks, couches, and 529’s

He stuffed them in his golf bag and wound it with twine

And then the Schmuck very nimbly stuffed the bags out of the window

Into the trunk of the idling limo

Then he slunk to the icebox, he took the Jew’s feast

He took the Jew latkes, he took the corned beast

He cleaned out the icebox as quick as an ape

Why that Schmuck even took the last bottle of Concord Grape

Then he stuffed all the food out the door with glee

Now grinned the Schmuck I will stuff up the plasma TV!

As the Schmuck took the TV as he started to exit

He heard a small sound like a mini Fran Drescher

He turned around fast and he saw a small Jew

Little Rachel Sara Rabinowitz Jew who was no more than 2

She stared at the Schmuck and said

Hanukah Harry why? Why are you taking our plasma TV, why?

But you know, that old Schmuck was so smart and so slick

He thought up a lie and he thought it up quick

Why my sweet little tot the fake Hanukah Harry lied

There are pixels on the screen that won’t light on one side

I’ve been on the phone with tech support to remedy them

But I can’t understand the Indians on the other end

So I’m taking it to the Geek Squad my dear

I’ll get a new one with an extended warranty there and I’ll bring it back here

And his fib fooled the child then he patted her head and got her a macaroon

And sent her to bed and when Rachel Sara was in bed with her macaroon, he

Crept to the door and stuffed the TV out by the light of the moon

And the one speck of food he left in the house

Was a tongue in the freezer even too gross for a mouse

Then he did the same thing to the other Jews houses

Leaving tongues for the other Jew’s mouses

It was a quarter of dawn all the Jews still aslumber

All the Jews still a snooze when he packed up his stretch limo Hummer

Packed it with their meat plates their dairy plates their silver leather jackets

Their borscht, their Buicks, their old records of Buddy Hackett

57 stories up

Up the office tower he road with his load to rip off

Poo poo to the Jews he Schmuckly scoffed

They’re finding out now that no Hanukah is coming

They’re just waking up I know just what they’ll do

Their mouths will hang open a minute or 2 then the Jews down in Jewville

Will all cry boo hoo hoo

That’s a noise that I simply must hear

He paused and the Self Hating Schmuck put a hand to his ear

And he did hear a sound rising over the snow

It started low, then it started to grow

But this, this sound wasn’t sad

Why this sound sounded glad

Every Jew down in Jewville the tall and the small

Was laughing and hugging without any presents at all

He hadn’t stopped Hanukah from coming – it came

Somehow or other – it came just the same

And the Schmuck with his Schmuck feet on his schmuck rug in his tower of glass

Stood puzzling and puzzling how could this have come to pass?

It came w/o latkes

It came w/o applesauce

It came w/o Lexus’s, Criss Crafts or Hugo Boss

He puzzled and puzzed till his puzzler was broke

Then the Schmuck thought of something to stay afloat

I’ll tell my sons, they’ll know what to do

But unlike the Schmuck, the sons weren’t self hating Jews

And they told the cops and it was all over the news

And what happened then, well in Jewville they say

That he hearts of the Jews in Jewville grew 3 sizes that day

And the Self Hating Schmuck was taken away

And then the true meaning of Hanukah came through

And the Jews in Jewville found the strength of 10 Jews + 2

The Jews remembered that Hanukah doesn’t come from a store

That being Jewish perhaps means a little bit more

Welcome Hanukah bring your cheer

Cheer to all Jews far and near

Hanukah time is in our grasp as long as we have hands to clasp

Welcome Hanukah while we stand heart to heart and hand in hand

-Rich Kronfeld